Two pivotal decisions define every man. The first is usually when they are very young. It’s brought on through trauma like abuse, neglect, bullying, and hazing. This first decision is created as a means of survival. Often, men see this as defiance, never wanting to be put in a situation to experience the trauma again.
Born from this is a man coping with masculinity rather than living in it. Proving to everyone and himself that he’s a real man despite this trauma that tells him differently.
The second decision can be more elusive. It often comes much later for many men or even comes too late. Because this second decision often takes wisdom and reflection to recognize as a necessity.
Part of this second decision is recognizing that your first decision hurts you more than helping. It’s recognizing that the expectations you set for yourself are holding you back from connecting closely with others, advancing at work, causing relationship issues, and holding you back as a parent. Where the first decision is based on survival, this second decision is more rooted in humbling.
It’s realizing that all the things that are shaping your understanding of manhood are actually just fighting virtues. Virtues made for men of a different time. They are virtues of war, combat, and survival.
I made my second decision while reading Man Enough by Justin Baldoni. Justin introduced a fundamental concept that has reshaped my understanding of masculinity, rather than just accepting the norms and abiding by the constraints. This book encouraged me to ask a straightforward question: Do I truly know what it means to be man enough? And what am I even working towards?
Justin writes in the preface that he wrote the book almost as a challenge to a statement he’s told himself most of his life — he’s not enough.
He touches on the fact that men often strive for the appearance of perfection to counter that belief within themselves. This idea comes out of the first decision many men make in life. It’s where masculinity will be primarily turned into a performance to protect.
I write about the origins of this modern masculinity in my article You Must Prove Your Manhood. In it, I write about where the fighting virtues came from, and because of a lack of social movements for men this past century, men are still caught believing that the fighting virtues can serve them effectively in peacetime.
This culture caught in time has left many boys to continue to mutilate other boys around them growing up. Justin reveals this in grave detail in his book. For example, when he describes a heterosexual boy’s fear of appearing “gay. “ He brings to light all the little ways as to how this happens —
If the boys ask you to see your nails, don’t hold your hands palms down with your fingers straight and slightly spread apart. Because every boy knows that real boys, real men, hold them palms up, curling their fingers so their nails show. But if you don’t know, and you show them your nails the “wrong“ way — the way a girl supposedly would — and they start laughing and making fun of you and calling you gay, don’t show them that their laughter hurts your feelings because that also means you’re gay.
Justin describes how boys and men behave when they accept and obey these cultural norms. Men must look like Greek gods and appear richer, smarter, and more successful than all other men around them.
But, he reveals the twist that makes this pursuit for men far more complicated —something many men don’t realize. First, there have been studies that conclude that boys tend to be apprehensive about conforming to traditional masculine norms but proceed anyway because of the prosecution from their peers.
However, boys get prosecuted and policed by other boys even when they are successful in proving their masculinity. Justin describes this ironic policing through his personal experience —
The same guys that teased me about being skinny were now giving me shit for being too muscular. It when from “Where are your abs?“ to “Jesus, Baldoni, put on a damn shirt!“… Here’s the thing about guys: it doesn’t matter what side of the equation we are on, we police each other.
A man’s harsh masculine expectations don’t serve him because they don’t solve his issues. It’s not allowing him to connect deeper with others or feel more confident in himself. Boys and men will get prosecuted by others regardless of whether they appear masculine or not. So, becoming more manly to appear manly won’t solve any struggles, pain, or loneliness.
What can?
This is my takeaway from Justin’s work through his books, podcast, and talks. The pursuit for a man is not to use their masculine qualities and nature to make themselves more inhuman.
A man’s pursuit is to use his masculine qualities to explore and reveal his own humanity.
Rather than focusing on appearing brave in front of others, men can use their bravery to face their inner demons and shame. They can use that bravery to work on that thing that leaves a pit in the stomach. As Justin asks in his TED Talk —
“Are you brave enough to be vulnerable?“
Instead of working to show everyone else how strong they are, can men use all that strength to look inward? Can they be strong enough to face their pain, approach a friend when they’re struggling, or apologize for the harm they’ve done to others?
You see, if men work to build these masculine traits and use them for their inner work, they can have a radical sense of accountability. Many men fail to realize that with radical accountability comes radical self-empowerment.
This is the second decision. Deciding to be self-accountable.
It’s focusing your mind inward on any situation, creating a more moldible and controllable interpretation. A man is no longer at the mercy of other’s actions or how others treat them. Once a man can believe that all things in life are not happening to them but rather for them, then the great rewiring of the brain happens — wisdom starts to grow.
As I write this, I can hear the countless men in our cultural discourse immediately jump to blame here. By men focusing on accountability, we’re ignoring how feminism is destroying traditional men. I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard about this position. I’ve been called genocentric, misandry, snowflake, you name it, for taking such a position.
But I don’t take my position out of ignorance. Through my work as a facilitator, hundreds of men find empowerment, confidence, motivation, and self-acceptance by focusing on taking their masculine traits and channeling them to be accountable for their pain, loneliness and actions.
It works.
This belief has also helped men find healthier relationships. I wrote an article a couple of weeks ago challenging the age-old saying of a happy wife and a happy life. In it, I create a new phrase that I believe holds a more profound truth, one rooted in self-accountability —
Being a good partner and husband is about working to have a strong foundation and self-knowledge. True love with a partner is free of fear of non-attachment. Relationships have an ebb and flow in connection. Finding a foundation through community and identity in which you feel a genuine connection with others can prevent you from over-relying on one person for that connection.
A relationship is supposed to enhance your life, not make or break it. I adhere to a different saying, one that feels more based on truth – Having a happy life finds a happy wife.
There is something attractive to many women who seek a masculine man when the man shows that he’s using his masculine traits to work on himself. Men don’t have to choose between neglecting their pain and appearing masculine. A man can use one to identify and mend the other.
Men are problem solvers. Many struggle with how to solve their deep shame and guilt. They believe that their weak emotions are feminine qualities within them to suppress.
But, the reality is emotions are not gender specific. They are human.
By making this radical decision to be self-accountable, a man can start to lean into the opportunities life has afforded them. Men no longer ask — am I man enough? They now can add to it. They can make the question clearer — am I man enough to change? Am I man enough to let go? Am I man enough to look within?