It’s no secret that much of our dialogue about men’s problems revolves around loneliness and isolation. The feeling of loneliness among men is on the rise.
Perhaps you’ve seen some of these statistics featured in the news or on television. For example, a 2023 survey by the American Psychological Association (APA) found that 63% of men reported feeling frequent loneliness, compared to 53% of women.
Back in 1990, men reported having an average of three close friends. In the same year, only 3% of men reported having no close friends. Fast forward to 2021, and the number of close friends men reported having dropped to just 1.5 on average, with 15% of men saying they have no close friends at all. On top of that, men are half as likely as women to turn to a friend for emotional support during difficult times.
It’s no secret that loneliness is frequently cited as a root cause of many other troubling statistics regarding men—such as higher suicide rates, stagnant wages, declining marriage rates, and lower college enrollment. But this raises a few important questions:
- Is loneliness a new and unique problem for men?
- If so, what behaviors are driving this rise in loneliness?
- What can men do to change these rising statistics?
Is this a new and unique problem men are having?
Not really.
Historically, this panic over loneliness being at epidemic proportions is not new. In the article “The Myth of the Loneliness Epidemic,” Claude S. Fischer examines the recurring concerns about declining social connections in American society. Fischer argues that while concerns about loneliness are valid, labeling it as an “epidemic” may be an overstatement. He suggests that such declarations often reflect cultural anxieties rather than empirical evidence of a significant decline in social connectedness.
That being said, it doesn’t mean that men haven’t historically had a self-isolation problem. Some of these recent stats may give pause for concern. A lot has changed in our culture since 2000 with the rise of technology and social media. However, I argue that technology and recent social movements have merely revealed ongoing problems. Men self-isolating isn’t new. What’s changed is that this behavior is now more visible.
I’ve talked to thousands of boys and men across all living generations. One thing is clear to me: this isn’t a new problem. Baby Boomers experienced emotionally distant or absent fathers just as much as Gen X, and the behavioral outcomes are chillingly identical. What makes it feel more unique today is how easily these behaviors are exposed. One tweet, one post, or one viral video can reveal a man’s neglect, abuse, anger, or maladaptive coping mechanisms that typically stem from isolation.
Now, the reason this isn’t a simple question to answer is that there are some alarming increases in certain statistics that are unique to modern times. There has been a significant rise in school shooting incidents over the years. From 1970 to June 2022, there were 2,069 shooting incidents in K-12 schools, with 2021 recording the highest number at 249 incidents. Males are overwhelmingly responsible for school shootings. Between 1982 and 2019, 96% of school shootings were committed by male perpetrators. This predominantly male violence really puts male isolation in the spotlight more than ever before. The notoriety and media attention these violent men and boys receive make copycat behaviors more appealing.
These historically unique behaviors may indicate a rise in loneliness over previous levels, and the severity of some of these behaviors may suggest that men’s feelings of isolation and disconnection are becoming more intense. However, claiming that loneliness is an entirely new trend among men is to ignore the experiences of past generations and centuries of documented concern about male isolation.
There is one area I’ve found to be uniquely different about boys today. With the rise of social media and technology, men are engaging in less face-to-face discourse with others. Before social media, men were affiliated with several institutions: their college or university, church, community groups, etc. These institutions required regular in-person social gatherings, where men could strengthen their communication and debate skills. This fostered a healthy environment where men were consistently exposed to differing opinions and learned to express and defend their views.
With my work with boys and men, I’ve noticed a stark difference in how men born before 1996 communicate versus those born after 1996. Younger men and boys are far more anxious in social settings. Discourse and disagreements seem to frighten them much more than they did for boys who grew up in the 1990s. Modern boys today have far less exposure to their surrounding communities during childhood and adolescence, which leaves them less prepared for real-world interactions.
What are men doing today that drives loneliness?
What they’ve been doing for over a century, but now it’s more accessible.
Millennials and older men adhere to the longstanding, traditional ways men have invited loneliness into their lives. These men grew up with what we call “convenient friendships”—friendships that develop naturally with the other boys around them. There wasn’t much effort required to get along or to spend time together. Boys either saw each other at school or would bike over to a friend’s house whenever they had free time. However, this spoiled their understanding of how to make friends in adulthood. When they graduated college and joined the workforce, they were left to rely on workplace friendships.
Let’s say those same men get married later in life. Their exposure to convenient friendships becomes even more limited. These men want to work hard to make a living and be financially stable to provide for their wives and children. As a result, friendships remain convenient—and once maintaining a friendship becomes difficult, it tends to die off. What these lonely men lack are the skills to maintain old friendships and develop new ones.
These men also struggle to give other men permission to share more than just what I call “cocktail conversation.” Their friendships stay on the surface, revolving around a limited set of safe topics. We’ve discussed this concept in more detail in an article we posted several months ago.
Boys younger than millennials face all of these traditional challenges, but with a new twist: this time, they have help from their parents. Before the introduction of the iPhone in 2007, parents largely held the same longstanding belief: Let your boy go out, cause some trouble, and explore the neighborhood unsupervised. But all of that has changed. Today’s parents overprotect their kids from the physical world while underprotecting them in the virtual world.
Jonathan Haidt writes about this in his book “The Anxious Generation.” In it, he explores this new phenomenon and its effect on today’s children. He highlights the rise of overparenting, which is cutting into the normal, healthy social exposure that kids once had. Today’s kids are kept at home in supervised environments for longer than ever before. Boys aren’t exposed to unsupervised playtime with other boys until they reach their early teenage years. Traditionally, boys as young as five or six were allowed to go off on their own and socialize with other boys unsupervised.
The effect this is having on today’s boys is shocking. They struggle with face-to-face conflict and have difficulty navigating interactions with authority figures who aren’t their parents. Most importantly, they are becoming more ill-equipped to make friends, even in convenient environments. Parents today aren’t as focused on getting their boys out and socializing with other boys.
For the record, not all parents are doing this. I still see many parents raising their children in a more traditional way. However, overprotective, overparenting households are becoming more common.
What can men do in order to change these rising statistics?
Realize you aren’t the problem. Feeling lonely isn’t unique to you. It can be changed if you change your patterns.
Of the hundreds of men I’ve coached over the years, almost all arrive at our sessions with the same belief: “If I am lonely and have no friends, I must be the problem.” But through this article, I hope I’ve shown that this isn’t the case. Loneliness is a societal issue that has attached itself to millions of men over the course of a century—and probably long before that. It’s not you; it’s the tools you’ve learned (or haven’t learned) for making friends. It’s the culture that taught you to constrain yourself in front of others and that friends are only found in convenient places. Most men hold the false belief that friendships should just fall into place without effort or resistance. But that’s not how longstanding, lifelong friendships work.
Real and resilient friendships require an intentional, business-like approach. Think of it as market research, marketing, and monitoring. These friendships require consistent effort and awareness. If you approach your friendships passively, others will assume that’s what you want in return.Let’s break down the three strategies I help men implement when working to build and maintain new friendships.
Market Research:
First, ask yourself: What are your interests, beliefs, and personality traits? Are you more of a free spirit, or do you prefer to tinker, work, or travel? The goal is to create an “avatar” that reflects who you are.
This doesn’t mean you should only seek out people who fit this avatar. Instead, it helps you understand what roles you naturally play in friendships and what you’re looking for in others. When we work to diversify our friendships, we begin to realize that each friendship serves a different purpose. One friendship might be centered around a shared hobby, while another may be focused on talking through personal challenges. Knowing who you are and what roles you can play in other men’s lives will narrow your focus to friendships that complement your personality.
Marketing:
Next, ask: Where are the kinds of men who complement your personality? What activities do they enjoy? Are they part of a particular club, gym, or event?
For example, I once worked with a free-spirited man who loved being introspective. After a few conversations, we created a plan for him to attend several yoga classes in his area. While he wasn’t a big fan of yoga itself, he knew these classes would put him in front of like-minded men who shared his values and interests.
Within a few weeks, he was invited to dinners and events with the men he met in those classes. The key is to put yourself in front of your “ideal clientele” to make it easier for organic friendships to develop.
Monitoring:
This step is simple but crucial: If you haven’t hung out with a friend in over a month, and they cross your mind—call them.
Let them know you’d like to catch up and hang out. Friendships are about showing the other person that you value spending time with them. It’s about proving that your relationship isn’t just about convenience—it’s about a genuine desire to connect.
Friendships don’t sustain themselves. They require ongoing attention and care. And just like in any business, if you don’t check in on your relationships, they won’t grow.
You’re Not Alone—And You Don’t Have to Stay Isolated
Loneliness in men isn’t just a personal struggle—it’s a widespread issue affecting millions. But the good news is, you don’t have to face it alone. Building real friendships and a strong support system is possible, and it starts with taking the first step.
At Groups For Men, we offer online support groups and coaching to help men break out of isolation, build meaningful connections, and create lasting change in their lives. If you’re ready to surround yourself with like-minded men who understand what you’re going through, we’re here to help.