In the world of male communication, especially inside of relationships and personal struggles, a silent battle often rages. Many men find themselves caught in a deadlock between their need to express themselves and the fear of rejection or misunderstanding. It’s a delicate dance of words left unsaid, where the fear of saying something wrong outweighs the risk of not saying anything at all. This is where the “just say it messy” communication strategy comes into play, a method that encourages raw, unrefined honesty over polished uncommunicative silence.
Understanding the “Just Say It Messy” Strategy
The essence of the “just say it messy” approach is straightforward: sometimes, the act of conveying a message, however unpolished, is more important and productive than aiming for perfection in communication. It keeps in mind the reality that not all of us have the right words at the right time, especially when tackling sensitive subjects. This strategy is an invitation to express thoughts and feelings in their rawest form, placing honesty at the forefront of any conversation.
The Fear That Holds Us Back
Many men are not very adept at articulating their desires or needs, not for lack of trying, but out of a fear of rejection or inadequacy. This anxiety often manifests in avoidance of conversations that could expose vulnerability or trigger negative responses. The result? A cycle of bottled-up emotions and unaddressed issues that can erode the very foundation of personal connections.
Permission to Be Imperfect
The “just say it messy” method gives permission to be imperfect. It acknowledges the limits of our language should not constrain the limits of our relationships. By setting the expectation from the outset that the upcoming conversation may lack grace or finesse, it provides a safety net for both parties. This preface creates a shared understanding that the goal is not eloquence but honesty.
Real-Life Application of “Just Say It Messy”
Consider a scenario where someone faces the difficult task of discussing a job loss with their partner — a situation with potential for embarrassment, shame and conflict. The typical response might lean towards defensiveness or even provoking an argument to bypass the discomfort of initiating such a conversation. However, bringing in the “just say it messy” strategy could help get the conversation started. By starting with an honest acknowledgement of the difficulty to articulate the problem (“I have something I want to tell you, but I don’t know how”), requesting a promise to work through the ensuing conversation together, might be just the icebreaker you need.
The How To:
- Have a conversation with your partner/friend/boss/coworker/etc. that, if there are times where either of you don’t have the courage or know-how to get what you need to say, you agree to say it messy the first go round.
- During that initial conversation, you both agree that no matter how challenging it might get, you’re going to stay in the conversation. I call this “walking it back”. This is the TRUST piece this all hinges on. It’s the conversation after the messy bits that’s part of the design. It takes practice to get good at the hard conversations which means you have to have them!
- If needed, revisit the conversation with the person you got messy with. And let them get messy too.
- There are going to be times when you end up talking with someone where you don’t have the agreement in place ahead of time. No worries. Explain that you aren’t sure how to say it “proper” so you’re going to say it messy. Ask them if they would be willing to stay in the conversation so you can clean it up. If they are, go for it! (I’ve never had anyone say “no”.
- As you continue to have these messy conversations, keep in mind that it’s not about being right or wrong, but about understanding each other and finding common ground. This requires active listening, compassion and strength.
(Remember, saying it messy is not an excuse for bad behavior. You’re still responsible for the intent of the words you speak. So slow down, breath and breath again.)
The Benefits
Fosters Deeper Connections
The most evident benefit of this approach is the deepening of personal connections. Honest communication, even in its most unrefined form, makes way for understanding and empathy. It breaks down the barriers created by unspoken thoughts and unvoiced concerns, allowing for a more authentic relationship.
Encourages Emotional Vulnerability
“Just say it messy” champions emotional vulnerability by framing it not as a weakness but as a courageous step towards genuine interaction. It reassures that vulnerability is a shared human condition and that attempting to communicate, regardless of the potential for messiness, is a brave endeavor.
Reduces Misunderstandings
Ironically, the attempt to avoid miscommunication by not speaking often leads to more significant misunderstandings. By encouraging open, if clumsy, conversation, this strategy ensures that the intent and the essence of the message get through, reducing the space for assumptions and misconceptions.
Conclusion: The Path Forward
Employing the “just say it messy” strategy is not about glorifying poor communication skills but rather recognizing the limitations that fear and anxiety impose on our ability to connect with others. It’s about valuing transparency and authenticity over perfection, understanding the beauty and strength of our relationships lie in our willingness to be seen in our truest form — imperfections and all.
For men struggling with communication, whether in personal relationships or navigating the complexities of expressing needs and desires, remember this: your words don’t have to be perfect to be powerful. Giving voice to your thoughts and feelings, no matter how messily conveyed, is the first step towards fostering deeper connections and building a foundation of trust and mutual understanding.
In a world where silence often speaks volumes, choosing to communicate in a “messy” but honest manner is a testament to the strength of vulnerability. It’s a commitment to growth, understanding, and, most importantly, to not just being heard, but also to listening. So, keep speaking up, even if it feels messy at times – your relationships will thank you for it.
Remember, every conversation is an opportunity to better understand and be understood. Slowly, through practice and persistence, we put in the reps to get stronger. It becomes evident that real connections are built on honesty and the willingness to be vulnerable, not on flawless dialogue. Therefore, the next time you find yourself hesitating to speak up, remind yourself of the value in authentic communication. Progress, not perfection, is what truly enhances our relationships and enriches our lives.
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