While attending a reception at a wedding, the groom’s father stood up to make his toast before the feast. He had a sentimental introduction, covering his son’s younger years, how he’d grown up to be this good and kind man, and how he had met the bride. However, he concluded his speech with a single lesson for his son to take away. One of which has become a standard saying I’ve heard countless times from men.
He concluded his speech with, “And remember son, you feel happy today, but as time goes on, you’ll need to remind yourself —happy wife, happy life.“
Everyone erupted into laughter and applause. Some men in the crowd nodded with approval. We went on with dinner and dancing, and throughout the night, older men would converse with the groom. Each time, this saying would appear in the discussion. Each time, the groom responds, “Oh, I know it. Believe me.”
At first, I thought nothing of it, but once I left the wedding and thought about all the men I work with struggling with their partners, I couldn’t help but wonder whether the two correlate.
This simple saying passed amongst married men is hailed as the go-to roadmap for maintaining a happy relationship. One must do everything to keep his wife happy. Sacrifice beliefs and opinions, always give up arguments, and direct all attention to her.
But, I’ve seen that when traumatic experiences enter the relationship—divorce, infidelity, abuse, neglect—regardless of the one who initiates it, many men keep their focus on their wives rather than their behaviors or actions. They frame the narrative to blame their partner. In his mind, he’s given her everything. He’s sacrificed it all to try to keep her happy. So, after all that, she went ahead and betrayed his trust, fell out of love, lost interest, etc. Many men often use their selflessness as a weapon for emotional protection.
Men don’t do this maliciously or with intent. This is a response to something. They clearly feel attacked and respond with blame and defensiveness. Through this article, I want to address what that is. Where does the desire to focus all your attention away from yourself come from? Does this relentless focus on your partner’s happiness maintain a simple life?
Men Want To Be A Hero
The saying ‘happy wife, happy life’ is another example of men’s larger belief that all challenges can be solved with a simple, logical approach. So as time goes by in the relationship and complex problems arise, this belief becomes a way for men to prevent getting into anything deep and uncomfortable. It keeps thoughts above the skin.
As Dr. Robert Glover writes, “These men usually believe there is a simple answer to their problem…everything will be OK if they can just stop doing that one thing that keeps making their partner so angry.“
Boys are raised to believe they must be the hero for their partner. It’s their cultural duty to do so. So, it’s an easy conclusion for a man to wind up bearing the brunt and blame for every situation.
Men grow anxious from indecision and inconclusiveness during conflicts. Because this uncertainty creates anxiety about where the argument could go. Quickly claiming blame creates a conclusion. Conclusion keeps men in comfort. If an argument shifts the focus towards something too deep, a man’s stance becomes more black-and-white, defiant, aggressive, and defensive. Take the blame so no one pokes and prods where they shouldn’t.
Another way men do this is when they put all their focus on others. By providing for others, men can feel accepted while maintaining comfort. This way, men can keep the focus off of themselves. Both examples are effective ways to avoid facing any of their deep-rooted wounds.
So, why are men working to avoid these wounds? What makes them so scary?
Fear.
Men fear abandonment above all else. Fear keeps a guy away from facing the dirty truth. This way, they never face what Dr. Glover calls the “Big Demon” inside.
This big demon can be many things. But, essentially, it is a horrible thought or belief men have internalized in themselves that stems from past trauma. This thought feels illegal, shameful, and immoral to have. Men will choose to conceal and neglect this big demon to appear perfect and immune to the pain. They don’t want anyone concerned about them. But this only creates “little devils” in their lives. Resistance from men allows these devils to create self-doubt, shame, anxiety, and, above all—fear.
Since all these men have been trained to appear immune to any trauma, they form a belief that no one else thinks those same shameful thoughts. No one else truly knows who they really are. So, no one will continue loving them once they discover the truth.
If a man were to reveal the big demon, he believes everyone around him would run, even his partner. Who would want to be around someone with such horrible pain, anguish, and trauma?
A man will neglect any weak emotions because a deeper awareness of these emotions leads to the truth. Truth for these men means coming face to face with the demon. This demon is imagined with the immense feeling of guilt and shame. That’s a scary place, and it appears to be a lonely place. One that is inconceivable to be in.
So, men work to keep everything on the surface. “Happy wife, happy life” is really a way for men to protect other men from facing that demon and feeling that shame. It keeps the status quo. It keeps men in comfort. But when a partner challenges this comfort, men will begin to feel threatened.
So, I see countless men unintentionally killing their marriages because they refuse to face the demon. They believe that simple sayings and techniques to keep the peace will maintain their partner’s happiness while keeping themselves in their comfortable place. But the reality is most women crave intimacy, security, and companionship, not self-sacrificing servitude.
Dr. Glover explains, “Both patterns, enmeshing and avoiding, inhibit any real intimacy.”
When a man continues to ignore, avoid, and conceal his big demon, he’s keeping true intimacy at arm’s length. So women will search for it in their man or go searching for it elsewhere. (I discussed this subject more in a recent podcast episode: Why Men Avoid Conflict.)
Where It Falls Apart
For a man, letting a woman into their life comes with great personal risk. They need to find a way to subside their fear of being alone and abandoned, and having a relationship appears to be the best answer. So when men open up a little vulnerability, and their partner embraces them in it, many will fall hard.
This really creates an all-or-nothing mindset. Their partner sees this kind, generous, and vulnerable man. Something they will never believe about themselves. The relationship becomes the answer to the man’s fears. It becomes his new foundation of personal value.
So, men will do anything to try and keep that foundation alive. They never want to have their fears validated. But their efforts to sacrifice all their wants and needs to keep their wife happy eventually sucks the life out of both parties. The relationship becomes draining.
So, when their partner distances themselves, I see men either cling on or run away. At this moment, a lot of men will still try to prevent their fears from being validated. So, if they run, they look for ways to blame their partner along the way.
The man will often unload the stockpile of selfless acts and use them against their partner. These are examples proving he’s done nothing wrong and gave this relationship everything. The man’s selflessness was really a covert contract with their partner, not an act of generosity and love. They use it to be the victim of the breakup.
This is where simple sayings like “happy wife, happy life” can have terrible consequences down the road.
It creates a culture in which men believe radical selflessness is healthy for maintaining relationships. But what it really does is drain it from intimacy and connection. It tells men that the answer to your greatest fears is to keep your wife’s happiness front and center. Her happiness should become your value gauge.
How Men Can Have A Healthy Relationship
If a man wants to be that intimate, secure companion to someone, they have to face the unthinkable. They must face the big demon. I’ve seen this big demon be many things—childhood abuse, sexual assault, messy divorces, or even smaller events that played out in their youth. Boys are left to blame themselves for these traumas. So, the battle past this thinking is to find other men who can say, “I know what you’re going through. The same thing happened to me.”
Being a good partner and husband is about working to have a strong foundation and self-knowledge. True love with a partner is free of fear of non-attachment. Relationships have an ebb and flow in connection. Finding a foundation through community and identity in which you feel a genuine connection with others can prevent you from over-relying on one person for that connection.
A relationship is supposed to enhance your life, not make or break it. I adhere to a different saying, one that feels more based on truth – Having a happy life finds a happy wife.
How Men Can Face The Big Demon
I’ve worked with many men on this issue. Here is what I have found as an effective technique:
First, quash that inner prosecutor from the narrative. Turn off the auto-pilot. It’s not serving you any longer. Rejecting that default narrative requires a new approach with new tools – have more intention, focus, and keep the compass always pointing to self-compassion.
Find a safe and quiet space for reflection. Imagine yourself as a little boy standing in front of you. Sit your inner boy down in an imaginary chair facing you. Close your eyes if it helps. Despite the imaginary nature of this exercise, make this space sacred, honest, and, most importantly – real.
Let your inner boy say the thought allowed to you. This time, speak to that innocent little boy sitting before you in pain. Let your inner fatherhood reveal himself to nurture this boy. Comfort that little boy as he cries out to you in pain. Encourage him to let those emotions spill out. Permit yourself to draw out the feelings that come with admitting to the big demon.
Give that little boy security. Tell him he’ll be ok. Despite his trauma, you still love him. You still accept him. Reconcile and apologize to that little boy for always being critical of him.
It may feel strange at first, but committing to yourself in this exercise can be quite powerful and revealing.