Everyone has heard the age-old saying — when it rains, it pours. That was definitely the case with one man I worked with. We can call him John. John discovered his wife had been having an affair and, within a month, found himself hiring a lawyer in preparation for a forecast of legal storms. This was made clear through the hostility from his now ex-wife.
Allocation of assets and custody arrangements had to be worked out. All while his now ex-wife refuses to participate in any of it. This was making the legal proceedings unbearable for him. What added the icing on this messy cake was when the judge temporarily granted his ex-wife full custody of their children as they worked through what to do next.
He was now in this new scary world, left to his thoughts, regrets, and, above all, anger.
John spent months in this state. When I first spoke with John, he clarified that his anger was infecting all areas of his life. He was hostile and revengeful with any interaction with his ex-wife. During work, he’d explode with rage and impatience to any challenge. While alone at home, in his new empty apartment, he’d pout, smolder, and begin to self-cope with alcohol.
He was stuck in this single-track mind, and no one could stop him from slowing down to take a breath. With his ex-wife abandoning him and taking his kids, he lost all hope that things would get better with time.
With tears pouring from his face, he explained that he feels guilty for being angry all the time and that guilt only fuels his anger more. It becomes this cycle of emotional chaos.
He explained that he’s had a hair-trigger temper throughout the relationship leading up to the affair. His wife cited his temper as a reason why the relationship suffered for so long. John couldn’t stand the fact that his temper pushed her away. It doesn’t excuse his wife’s behavior, but he felt guilt knowing he understood why she found companionship elsewhere.
His anger has been this uncontrollable monster within him. One that takes control and runs wild with his emotions.
John’s story is just one example of an all-too-common problem I see. Men become paralyzed in their anger. It feels uncontrollable, and they don’t know what to do about it. So it becomes exhausting and draining.
What’s causing men to jump to anger as their default response? More importantly, is there a remedy for these men?
Where Masculine Anger Comes From
Anger is a common emotion we all feel. For men, it’s actually become more expected socially. Modern culture is largely complicit with men being angry. It’s still considered a common element of masculinity.
Typical anger arises when we experience injustices, challenges, or violations.
Brene Brown says anger comes up “when something gets in the way of a desired outcome or when we believe there’s a violation of the way things should be.”
But, male anger tends to be quite intense. I’ll call this masculine anger. To keep this simple, I often see two things that come together that make up masculine anger. The first is blame. There must be something or someone to blame for the things happening to them. The second is a need to protect. There must be something about ourselves we are trying to protect from that person or thing. Like growing a tree, you need sunlight and water. Together, they allow that tree to grow. For men, you need someone or something to blame and something to protect inside.
Anger can be classified by some psychologists and scientists who study it as a secondary or indicator emotion, which means an emotion that stems from some other, more complicated emotion. For men, I see this more complex emotion as the thing they are protecting from, whatever they’re blaming. Whatever they’re blaming often made them have that complex emotion in the first place.
So, the first question is, how are men protecting themselves? Men protect themselves by regaining and maintaining control of their environments. We’ve all seen it or experienced it. It doesn’t discriminate by gender, but it can take different forms because of gender.
David R. Hawkins wrote out all the ways this anger transpires. “It includes revenge, outrage, indignation, fury, jealousy, vindictiveness, spite, hatred, contempt, wrath, argumentativeness, hostility, sarcasm, impatience, frustration, negativity, aggression, violence, revulsion, meanness, rebellion, explosive behavior, agitation, abusiveness, abrasiveness, smoldering, sullenness, pouting, and stubbornness.“
Phew… That’s a lot.
What can feel confusing to many people is this masculine anger is often misdirected. You may experience a man’s anger and aren’t even that core point of blame for it. Simply being in a conversation or environment in which you are exposing the complex emotion can create the need for the man to protect it. The closer you are to that man, the more likely you’ll experience his masculine anger.
I see men treat the mailman or a cashier like they are the center of the universe and then treat their partner or siblings like a punching bag. The trashman won’t get close to the man’s complex emotions, but a partner can. A sibling can. A parent can.
What makes masculine anger different than common anger is the immense fear behind it. The more fearful men are of facing this complex emotion, the more severe their anger can become.
The next question you may ask is — what on earth is this complex emotion men are so desperate to protect?
For most angry men, it’s grief.
When I talk about grief, I see it more as an umbrella term, not a set process or singular emotion. But instead, it represents feeling loss, lost, and longing. Sometimes, we experience these three together, other times separately or sporadic.
Grief is not reserved just for those who lose someone to death. Many things can cause grief. The grief I often see in men reflects the term disenfranchised grief.
Brene Brown explains disenfranchised grief as a “loss of a partner or parent due to divorce…loss of one’s prior worldview, loss of trust, loss of self-identity and self-esteem, loss of freedom and independence, loss of a sense of safety and security, and loss of sexual interest.“
Essentially, it is the loss of something that was once a part of our life. For most men, this grief is a constant neglected companion because they never realize it’s in them.
For men, grief is also suppressed. Since normal grief is considered uncomfortable and unacceptable for masculine men to show in public, they run to more acceptable emotions for coping. The vilification of a man’s grief can also be called – suffocated grief. Dr. Tashel Bordere originally coined this term.
“She explained that for some, their expression of grief is not simply unacknowledged or stigmatized, as in disenfranchised grief, but it is punished….Rather than sadness or tears, it can show up as kids coming to school sleepy, distracted, having difficulty regulating their emotions, showing signs of regression, or being disruptive…Boys exhibiting these types of behaviors are more likely to be punished than girls exhibiting the same behaviors. And lest you think this is just touchy-feely emotional stuff, the impact is tangible.“
The last thing men want to do is face this confusion in their pain. They fear what’s in that unknown territory. It appears uncontrollable. Why face immense sadness from a loss that might never go away? It feels defeating and emasculine. Since culture generally won’t accept a man showing grief and they fear facing their grief, men will protect others from it and protect themselves from experiencing it.
Grief is a refusal to let go. It’s all that’s left between the man and their loss. By facing grief, you could forget about what you lost. Grief keeps your loss relevant in life. It allows one to hold on tight.
In Summary
Most men with masculine anger don’t understand where their anger comes from. Masculine anger is the protection of what they lost from the blamed trauma. Fear of exposing and facing that loss can cause masculine anger to flair up and take many forms.
The Roots Of John’s Anger
Now, let’s go back to John’s story. He’s shown constant anger throughout his relationship with his wife. Even before the affair. He’s always felt guilty for quickly becoming angry but never could understand why. How could he be so angry around someone he loved so dearly? The confusion was driving him mad.
So, we started there. I asked what John was getting from his anger. He explained that it was to feel more in control of his environment.
Ok.
Why was John constantly feeling the need to control at all times in front of his partner? This was a tough one for him. But, after some thought, he arrived at fear.
Fear of what?
Well, for him, he said it was the fear of turning into his father.
John grew up experiencing physical abuse from his father. He witnessed it to his mother as well.
When John got together with his wife (the first person he’s ever dated), Being in a relationship began these constant reminders of his childhood, feeling scared and fearful, specifically when he was around his parents. He was using anger to mask his fear of becoming the same abusive man as his father. That fear constantly festered in him because of his concealment of it.
His eyes widened. He’d never said that aloud before. And when he did, you could see the puzzle pieces connecting in his head.
But then, we went another layer deeper.
Why was that fear still so present in his life years after the abuse?
Once John went to college, he kept his relationship with his mother but refused to speak to his father. His parents split soon after he left the house. Good riddance, John thought. Life is better without his father in the picture.
He no longer has a relationship with his father; they haven’t spoken in years. For John, his fear of becoming his father was really all he had left of his father. That was an unrecognized loss in his life.
Now, not having a relationship with his father was the right thing to do. No one should ever endure abuse. But he never stopped to think that by not having a relationship with his father, he’d experience grief in losing him.
The feelings around his grief felt uncontrollable. They appeared to flair up out of the blue around his partner. So, John would jump to the only emotion he knew could restore control of his environment — anger.
Over time, John found space to face the loss of a father in his life. He began having deeper conversations with his now ex-wife, and afterward, they managed to split more amicably. Now, John has a new relationship with a different woman. He’s noticed a real change in his anger. He once said that now he doesn’t feel anger when things remind him of his father. He now knows he won’t become his greatest fear because he’s worked to have a relationship alongside his grief.
The Case For Working Through Masculine Anger
My mentor and coach, Troy DeRonco, always reminds me that all of our emotions are used to try and serve our needs. He couldn’t be more right. Our emotions aren’t just happening to us. Instead, we are running to them.
Stop and reflect: What are you getting from your anger? How is it serving you?
For many men, it serves as a way to protect themselves from their grief. The loss of their childhood, innocence, trust, whatever it may be, men ignore and neglect it rather than face it.
Yes, the reality is that most men and women feel uncomfortable around a grieving man. Many look to the men in their lives as protectors and a source of strength. It’s men who extend their shoulders to cry on during a funeral. As a man, you may see your displayed strength in grief as a masculine act and a way not to stand out or make others uncomfortable.
But all you’re doing is fueling your own anger, isolation, and loneliness from others. You can connect with others more effectively through earned wisdom, not through strength.
If you surrender to your grief, you will discover that the overwhelming sadness that comes with it depletes. David R. Hawkins writes in his book Letting Go that —
“If we don’t resist the feelings of grief and totally surrender to it, it will run out in about 10-20 minutes; then it will stop for variable lengths of time. If we keep surrendering to it every time it comes up, it will eventually run out… If we resist the grief, then it will go on and on.”
He’s right. By surrendering to grief and allowing it to deplete, often, we go from this immense sadness and pain into self-acceptance. All grief asks is to be acknowledged, heard, and experienced. You can work with your grief and eventually find the beauty in how your traumas made you the amazing person you are today.